A Flummoxed Bird

hookers. pimps. grapes.

sometimes…in my fixed determination to escape reality….i take a journey down memory lane. it’s not always pretty. but it’s never boring. this one is a fave.

i was headed home on the A train one night in september. the journey uptown..from where i was…took about 30 mins. long enough for me to witness the highest level of human fuckery i can remember to date.

the cast of characters included two hookers, a homeless pimp, a “school teacher”, “school teacher’s” friend and a retired senior citizen…an old white man reading a book….maybe something by tennessee williams.

anyway….the two hookers got on the train first. just trust me when i say they were hookers. one had several healed cuts on her face and the other was crying and had smeared make up. come to think of it. she sorta resembled the joker. their clothes, as could be expected, were of the most micro and spandex kind. add platform shoes. they sat together and it appeared the hooker with the cuts was attempting to comfort the crying hooker. no big deal. anyway, a stop later, a pimp….dressed in nothing more than a pair of zebra patterned pants and matching zebra faux fur coat gets on. add matching zebra hat. the coat was completely unbuttoned so his scrawny, bird chest was fully out. pimpin’ hadn’t been kind to him. he looked homeless. holes in his shoes. dirty fingernails. tart scent. he seemed to know the hookers from around the way. or maybe they were just networking. i guess hookers and pimps can network too. they spoke. seemed like light hearted banter. it’s important to note at this point…that like anyone living in the city, i had my earphones on and a gaze that seemed to indicate i wasn’t present or paying any attention to my surroundings at all. of course…i saw and heard everything. and it almost blew my weak, weak soul into teeny tiny smithereens to be feasted upon by the subway rats.

so, the pimp and the hookers chatted for awhile. a few stops down, a man..we’ll call him the “school teacher” gets on. he’s clean and looks like he’s, well, a school teacher. he had on what i call “spectacles”. he had a friend with him. he also had on neat clothes and his shoes even looked polished. nothing strange there. except……………wait. they all knew each other.  a few high fives and hugs later, the homeless pimp…scarface & the joker…school teacher & school teacher’s friend are happily chatting away.

then. the pimp opens his dirty coat pocket and pulls out a handful of red grapes. they share the grapes. chat some more. eat more grapes. school teacher gets off the train. the hookers get off at the next stop. they take some grapes for the road.

then. the pimp goes into his coat pocket one more time and this time brings out a handful of old cigarette butts. he throws them in the air and yells “wheeeeeee!” a few land by my feet. then he starts break dancing. he speaks in gibberish. no one knows what’s going on. i’m pretty sure everyone is mapping out their exit strategy behind their disenchanted stares.

then. the pimp notices the old white man reading a novel. he runs towards him then slides down the length of the seat. feet first. legs wide open. he stops right before crashing into the old man. he farts. literally. farts. in this man’s face. the old man turns the page of his book. he blinks repeatedly. i’m pretty sure he’s not reading. actually i know he’s not reading. he didn’t turn from that one page for the rest of the 15mins i was on that train to hell.

somewhere along the line, my mind left me and took a stroll. it refused to be a part of this buffoonery. i blacked out after that.

i swear this is non fiction. i couldn’t make this shit up if i tried.

you are exactly where you should be.

…for a.d. and l.d.

playnice:

in a lot of ways, you’re ahead of the game.  so many things are going right in your life that there is absolutely no need to worry.  i know it’s tough not to dwell on setbacks but please believe me when I say that you’re exactly where you need to be right now.  you’ve made all the right choices. 

today remind yourself:  i’m exactly where I should be.